As we begin the New Year so many of us create resolutions of “change.”

We want to change our lives, our goals, our dreams and our relationships with others. But in making those changes, it first requires us to make changes within ourselves, and that can be so hard because it requires a higher level of introspection and reflection.

It demands that we face our fears, challenge our philosophical and ideological assumptions about who we are, and necessitates a reality check about what we have done, what we have failed to do, and what we really want to do. This can be so difficult that many of us do not follow through. Instead, we look to others to validate our actions and then when we fail to meet their standards we are quick to say “I’m sorry.”

Hmmmmm….

Sometimes we ask for forgiveness for things that we are not sorry about.
We want others to forgive us for actions that we have done, but we haven’t stopped doing them.
We want folks to accept an apology, and we aren’t truly sorry because we keep doing the same thing again and again.
And we try to convince them that we are deserving of their forgiveness. But you know what?
When we do this, we are just fooling ourselves.
We are lying to ourselves because if we don’t acknowledge that what we are doing is wrong to ourselves, then we will never be able to “fix” the problem.

How can we move forward and make positive changes in our lives if we cannot live in the reality of our truths?
You will never be able to become better, stronger if you lack the honor and integrity to be truthful with yourself.

Stop asking others for forgiveness if you haven’t allowed yourself to forgive you first.
If you are scared to face the “why” behind your actions and then create a plan to change your actions, then do not shift the responsibility of forgiveness on to someone else but then get disappointed if they choose not to forgive you.

Does this make sense?

You are not ready to ask someone else to forgive you if you are still living a lie. Keep them out of this.
They cannot make you feel better about things you have done because if you are still doing them, you are not really sorry at all.
You cannot seek solace for your soul in the spirit of someone else.
You just have to deal with yourself first.

And I know that sometimes it makes us feel better to say “I’m sorry” and they say “It’s okay, we can move forward.”
But will you really move forward if your apology is just a band-aid on a gunshot wound?

I honestly believe that you must first change the way you think before you can change the way you behave.
If you cannot acknowledge and accept that you are not sorry for what you are doing to yourself but really are just sorry for the impact it may have on someone else then you will never change your behavior.

Does this make sense?

The bottom line is that you need to stop asking people to forgive you if you know that you really don’t deserve it.
Figure yourself out first.
Then forgive yourself first.
Then you can ask others to forgive you.
This is the order of real growth and change in your life.

Just stop saying “Sorry!” if you really don’t mean it and using it as an excuse for forgiveness.
Instead, if you truly want to make a change in your life, begin to change your thought process, and then your behavior.

Stop being afraid of yourself.
This is the only way that you can be all that you destined to be.
You are already equipped and empowered with the tools follow along that path has ordered for you.
But you have to be honest with yourself.

Do you really want to change?
Do you really want forgiveness for your behavior?
If so, then remember that you OWN the POWER of CHANGE.
Use it.
This is a New Year and a great time to get started.

Just Do It!

And stop saying “Sorry.”

With Love,
Dr. Adair
“WhiteGirlSpeaks”